Sometimes I don't know how I'm ever going to survive at home whenI finish uni. They say its a dog-eat-dog world out there? Well thats nothing compared to my family. In order to be held in high esteem, you pretty much have to achieve perfection. If its not your grades, its your appearance, if its not your apperance its your personality, if its not your personality its your inablity to cook. You're always striving for that compliment from the parents, which is rarely ever given and once given can be retracted the minute you screw up the next thing.
All my life I've strived to reach this "perfection" that my parents want. From a young age I knew that I wouldn't ever be as slim as my sisters and nothing, not even dieting has been able to change this. The only thing that would get me to their size is probably anorexia or something equally as drastic. In fact now I've given up. I relish in the fact that I'm a size 12. I relish in the fact that I won't be able to drop 2 dress sizes to join my sisters in utter perfection.
My parents, especially my mother, with a bit of my grandmother thrown in there, pay a lot of attention to weight. Like I said, from a young age I've never been "slim" but in my parents eyes, I seem to be morbidly obese. Not a day goes by when they don't question my weight, or watch what I eat or ask me when I'm going to diet/go to the gym. And I'm bloody sick of it. They don't like me wearing hoodies, but around them I feel uncomfortable wearing anything else, simply becuase I know they'll comment on my weight. When I'm at home I have the lowest self esteem in the world. When I dress up nicely (or at least my opinion, and apparantly every one but parents opinion) it seems that I'm not dressed nicely enough. There will ALWAYS be something wrong. And it sucks. I hate it. I hate that my parents consistently demean me. I hate that they tell me I'm not good enough. Or that I don't dress well.
Why can't they accept me for who I am without trying to change me into a person I'm not? I'm not a bad person. I know my way around a kitchen better than my sisters. But my parents will always remind me that I'm not as slim or as attractive as my sisters. And it's doing my freaking nut in. I hate being at home.
I'd better find a husband quick if I don't want to move back home!
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Salam stranger!
ReplyDeleteSubhannallah, i know how you feel, really, i get the same all the time. You want nothing more than your family to recognise your achievements, but they dont see beyond your shortcomings. As if those shortcomings make you who you are.
Its tough, and I have no words to be of help as I know how it feels, and hate that feeling and hence I myself dont know what to say to make it any better.
xxxx